Before I was crying for myself, now I cry for you...
After going through a period of self-loathing due to feeling victimized and scared, I have come to a realization, a realization that I had to find for myself. I am truly not the problem. The only problem that I have with recent relationships is that I feel too much, often leaving the other person feeling overwhelmed. I find far more pleasure from loving than I do from being loved so I do it completely. Issues arose with my last relationship because this person was obviously flawed and I chose to love them anyway. The fact that I loved them even though I knew things about them that I should have walked away from led this person to resent me. For two years, I was punished for loving this person! The resentment then pushed me away and I left (go me!) and only then did they realize the value and uniqueness of what I was trying to offer them. They went from feeling smothered to being like, “What the fuck?! Get back here and love me dammit!” All of a sudden, I was this sociopath for leaving when all they had to do was show appreciation from time to time and not belittle one of the few people who was really on his side.
I was never that girl who wanted the house with the picket fence and the 2.5 kids. I don’t need some knight in shining armor to take care of me. I remember being 12 and telling my grandma that I was going to take care of myself and make my own money. It feels good that I have stuck to my childhood ideals somewhat. What I want more than anything is a person who will let me love them! I don’t want the extra bullshit. You don’t have to call yourself my boyfriend or put it on facebook. That’s lame and I’m too old for that.
As a person who grew up basically alone and never had many friends, I’ve always wanted a best friend who did things with me and with whom I could confide. Aside from a brother or sister, it was what I wanted most for years. At 25, I thought I had found it, my dream best friend. Dream most of the time, but sometimes a nightmare. This friendship has alternated between moments of euphoria but it has also made me extremely sad. I know that you must take the good with the bad but when does the bad stop and when is it a good time to say, “no more.” What is acceptable to sacrifice for a friend? Would this person sacrifice the same for me? I am unsure. I do know that a true best friend is a once in a lifetime thing.
So…I’m having a bad day and I never take bad days well. You may say, “why Erika, everyone has bad days” but when I have bad days, I always feel I deserve it somehow. I’m guess I’m one of those glass half empty people…super pessimistic. I almost always feel alone. Its like I just know I’m going to die alone with my cats, overweight and covered in moles…funny visual eh? This outlook causes me to push everyone out of my life because I feel too fucked up to let anyone in. I’m not important to myself so I feel like ill never be important to anyone else. Its counter productive, I know. Where do you get self worth from?
So…I’ve been recently noticing these small lines on my face. While I know that it’s natural for one’s age to show on their face as the years go by, but I’m 25! Is it normal to have fine lines at my age?! Will I look like a piece of old leather by the time I’m 30? Do I need botox? I’m not interested in aging gracefully. I’m not going out like that!